Art of the iPhone

Crap Apps is a new series of posts where I wade into the digital sewer of the App Store and pluck forth the turds that developers flush into the App Store every day–all in pursuit of a quick buck.

Tom Cruise Quotes

The official description for Tom Cruise Quotes ($0.99, iTunes link) says it’s the “Best Tom Cruise quotes application in the store.” That’s quite a claim. It’s hard to argue with their logic when it contains little Cruise-ian gems like this one:

I love kids. I was a kid myself, once.

That’s wisdom folks. Think about it. Or don’t.

Tom Cruise Quotes is a 99-cent download in the App Store.

Is She Pregnant?

There’s a funny scene from Seinfeld where Kramer, staring at a woman’s stomach, congratulates her for being pregnant, when the woman replies “I’m not pregnant, you idiot.” Well, Kramer, there’s an app for that. Too bad Is She Pregnant? ($0.99, iTunes link) is not the least bit funny. In fact, it’s in total bad taste.

Is She Pregnant? is a 99-cent download from the iTunes App Store.

Sexy Bikini Fart

I’m sure there’s a fetish somewhere that Sexy Bikini Fart ($0.99, iTunes link) fulfills. And that’s pretty scary. Imagine, it could be your neighbor, your librarian, your boss, or even me. There’s nothing I like more than woman in a bikini making a farting noise.

Sexy Bikini Fart is a 99-cent download from the iTunes App Store.

Jews

It’s hard to tell exactly what this app is. Is it religious? Academic? Anti-semitic? One thing is for sure, at $16.99, Jews (iTunes link) ain’t a bargain.

The official app description has this to say:

Are the Jews an ethnic or religious group, smarter or more materialistic? What is their prized occupation, their biggest vice? What makes them different from the Irish, what is behind the boom in matza-pizza marriages? More importantly, are they disappearing? Are Germans their natural enemies, and was the Holocaust a German-Austrian phenomenon? Were the Dutch really friendly? How hostile were the Poles? Who helped the Jews the most, the Catholics or the Protestants?

Jews is a $16.99 download from the App Store.

BustedHot

BustedHot ($1.99, iTunes link) features mugshots of “hot women” who have been arrested. The official description makes sure to point out “All suspects are innocent until proven guilty.” I guess there’s no reason why we shouldn’t shame them anyways by putting them in a crappy iPhone app.

BustedHot is a $1.99 download from the iTunes App Store.

Porko

I have a little soft spot in my heart for Porko (free, iTunes link). The game is so retarded, it makes me laugh when I play it. You control a wild boar running around an island trying to avoid getting eaten by natives. Eating fruits will make your boar go apeshit and temporarily scare away the natives.

Porko is a free download from the iTunes App Store.